I didn't take it that way. [ gently, reassuring. ] I just mean that you aren't like me. You're not a tool made with one purpose in mind - you are human, and everything that comes with that. Why shouldn't anyone want to know the rest of you?
War isn't the only way humans show their dark sides. Even I know that.
And there's nothing wrong with that, but that doesn't mean you should hide who you are from everyone. Marina-dono is very attached to you, for one. The others might, too, if you let them.
[ it's a little funny to be told you're better with people than an actual person. iwatooshi struggles so much with understanding this heart he's been cursed with that it's hard to believe. ]
You don't have to be like either of us. No one's asking you to be. There should be a balance between that and knowing you as more than just the doctor taking care of us.
I'm certain I'm not the only one to think so. But maybe this means we should say it more often, then...?
[ realizing that i never gave you a memshare in return... keeping up with threads on memshare week is so much. here you go, from the void:
"Hey, Iwatooshi," Imanotsurugi calls back to you as you watch your former masters' backs retreat down the road. they'll be safe, you think. you've done your jobs well, but the satisfaction vanishes the instant that he continues speaking. "Do I exist?"
...as the moment you've been dreading finally arrives. you freeze in place, unsure of what to say. words won't come, no matter how hard you try, and when he prods you for an answer... you laugh as you would any other day, like a reflex.
"Of course you do!" you assure him cheerfully, dropping a hand on his shoulder. your own doubts matter so much less than his peace of mind. after all, imanotsurugi is your entire world. "If you didn't exist, you wouldn't be here, right? Don't think about it."
the ease with which he agrees leaves guilt settling heavily in your heart as you watch him run off again. was that the right thing to do, you wonder? what are you supposed to do now?
"A priest who tells lies is like the walker's cicada - rather hard to find, right?" a voice cuts into your ruminations, and you aren't in the mood to entertain such things, so you keep your eyes trained away, jaw set. defensiveness makes your shoulders tense, though you have no right to be.
a sudden anger spikes in your chest, and you whirl to face him, insisting, "I didn't want him to get hurt."
"It seems you've got yourself figured out. However, that's what you want. What about Imanotsurugi?" you pause to frown at him. what about imanotsurugi? you know him best, certainly better than mikazuki. "Well, that's your kindness. That reminds me! Perfect timing. Shall we have a look?"
confused, you ask, "Where are we going?"
"Kindness comes in many shapes," he answers, smiling that cryptic smile of his. though you aren't sure what he means, you follow.
---
he takes you to a spot overlooking a road, a checkpoint, where a pair of priests have been stopped by a guard. but not just any priests - you'd recognize those two faces anywhere. that's you and imanotsurugi's former masters, musashibou benkei and yoshitsune-kou themselves, in disguise. instantly, you know what he's brought you to see, but still not why.
as the tale goes, they needed to speak with yoshitsune's older brother, but he's had the guards cut off all roads and stop all priests to prevent just that. and so, the guard is suitably suspicious of the two, and declares that if they really are priests, they would have no issue reading their subscription list to prove their status. they have no such thing, of course. but benkei, once a mountain monk himself, is clever, and pulls out a false scroll to being reciting the sutras by heart.
--
"That's..."
"Does it remind you of something?" Mikazuki asks, not taking his eyes off the spectacle before you both. you gnash your teeth anxiously, thinking of the play that you couldn't finish, the scene that's yet to come.
"Is this what you wanted to show me, Mikazuki-dono?"
"Yes, I knew you two were rehearsing this story."
--
once the recitation finishes, the guard sends them on their way. except - when yoshitsune moves past, he stops them again. the young monk resembles the lord kuro, he says, suspicious once more. and of course he does - "kuro" is his other name, the man himself. they've been caught.
instead surrendering, benkei roars and grabs a fist full of yoshitsune's plain shirt, throwing him roughly to the dirt while brandishing his staff.
"Do you have any idea how much trouble your resemblance to Yoshitsune-kou is causing me? Now that it's come to this, I have no choice!"
as he raises his staff above his head, yoshitsune kneels to accept the blow, and so - benkei strikes his own master, ignoring how it must be tearing his heart to shreds. once, twice, three times. he doesn't even drop the act when the guard tries to stop him, screaming in rage that he doesn't care if he kills this young man for all the trouble he's caused. he carries the blame, so he should be punished. benkei hits him again, again, again, again, and again, screaming to the heavens how much he hates this boy, and doesn't stop until the guard himselfs moves in the way to block him, giving them permission to pass. bleeding, in pain, yoshitsune struggles to his feet and limps down the road, benkei trailing after him in silence.
--
"Mikazuki-dono." your voice is soft, contemplative.
"Hmmm?"
"Kindness comes in many shapes, right?"
"To help him," Mikazuki explains, instead of answering you directly, "Benkei beat Yoshitsune, a man whom he respected. Yoshitsune believed in Benkei and let himself be beaten. And the guard was struck by their devotion and let them pass. All three showed kindness." he smiles and says, "I love that play."
it's different from how you saw it before, bringing a new perspective to how you think of it. your master is a stronger man than you realized, isn't he? to show his devotion in a way you couldn't have dreamed of, not so long ago, in your fear of hurting your beloved partner.
and it isn't just about the subscription list, either, is it?
"...My kindness may have been selfish," you admit, solemn. it may have been a white lie, but it was still a lie. you owe imanotsurugi the truth.
"it's up to Imanotsurugi whether he gets hurt by the truth. You can't treat him like a child forever. I think he's more mature than you think. In my opinion, he's forcing himself act be more childlike for your sake."
"You're right, Mikazuki-dono. I still have a lot to learn."
"Don't we all?" he laughs, not unkindly. "We repeatedly make mistakes and take detours. That's how we grow."
displeased, iwatooshi closes his eyes for a moment. ]
[ maybe he should not remind daan that he is over a thousand years old. ]
I suppose that’s why we seek enlightenment, isn’t it? But… maybe we shouldn’t think of it in such terms at all.
[ he sighs. ]
It is. I always wonder how humans live with it all their lives when it’s so difficult, but I’ve been told that some of you struggle just as much as we do. [ he shakes his head. ] All we can really do is try our best.
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[ ... ]
It sounds like that's something you're used to, though - giving parts of yourself up for something else.
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But it is how the Baron taught me -- you give up a part of yourself. For me... I guess it was my time, and who I am.
You all know me as the doctor, after all. The nicknames came flying real fast.
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But there's more to you than being the doctor, Daan-dono. I don't think I'm the only one who'd like to know who you are, beyond that.
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It wasn't a spiteful comment or anything. Knowing me as the doctor is fine.
It's what I do, after all.
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There just isn't much about me for you to know. Nothing fun or nice, any way.
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[ Scalpel spirit... pspsps. ]
But suppose you have a fair enough point. Still, you have different experiences and thoughts compared to people who only live fifty, sixty years.
Generally, people go towards where there's light.
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War isn't the only way humans show their dark sides. Even I know that.
And there's nothing wrong with that, but that doesn't mean you should hide who you are from everyone. Marina-dono is very attached to you, for one. The others might, too, if you let them.
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...
I'm not hiding who I am...
...
Does it feel that way?
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I'm not like you, or Rondo.
To me, that looks like a special talent.
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You don't have to be like either of us. No one's asking you to be. There should be a balance between that and knowing you as more than just the doctor taking care of us.
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Well, thanks then. It's nice to hear you say that.
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[ realizing that i never gave you a memshare in return... keeping up with threads on memshare week is so much. here you go, from the void: displeased, iwatooshi closes his eyes for a moment. ]
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Daan looks at this, and then at the other and his displeased expression, quiet. ]
...Does he really think white lies are so bad? Sure, I believe in honesty where it matters, but... tact matters too.
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[ even if it made iwatooshi absolutely miserable, and still does. ]
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Morals and what's right are ultimately really subjective, though. Not that I'm saying he was wrong either.
...Just a lot of room for everyone to learn, huh? Even long-lived guys like you.
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[ things he'll think about in the graveyard I guess. ]
...Yes. Having hearts and emotions are still new to us. We have more to learn than you might think.
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It's a heavy burden, both of those things.
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I suppose that’s why we seek enlightenment, isn’t it? But… maybe we shouldn’t think of it in such terms at all.
[ he sighs. ]
It is. I always wonder how humans live with it all their lives when it’s so difficult, but I’ve been told that some of you struggle just as much as we do. [ he shakes his head. ] All we can really do is try our best.
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It's all relative. Wouldn't try to compare it if I were you -- everyone struggles, but nobody struggles the exact same way as you.