[ the first thing that iwatooshi thinks is that mathis should never spoken to or treated so cruelly. he's only ever been kind, if a little skittish. someone that like this deserves only warmth, and the safety of home and people he can genuinely trust.
the second it reminds him, all too much, of the betrayal between yoshitsune and yoritomo, even yasuhira. to think you have the support and love of your brother or retainer, only for them to turn on you and become the source of your pain... it's tragic, every time it comes up in history. this is no different.
but he can't help but be more than a little angry, on mathis' behalf, but that isn't what matters. mathis and how he feels is most important, so iwatooshi reaches for him, almost on instinct, hoping to anchor him to the present instead of the memory. ]
[he's-- well, he could be worse. definitely shaken, after having to see a relatively fresh trauma brought back up this way, but he isn't falling apart. he's managing, taking hold of iwa's arm to steady himself.]
...I'm sorry. I know that it must be unpleasant to see.
I've seen many things in my time, Mathis-dono. I've taken hundreds of lives, fought in wars, watched an army fall, and brothers turn on each other. But never anything like that.
[ he shakes his head. ]
I don't understand why he would treat you that way. Even if you weren't born human, you deserve to be treated as kindly as anyone.
I- I don't understand, either. I don't know what he's thinking, anymore. He... he's still the one who took care of me, and he-- said I was his only success, but still called me a failure...
It's mutual, you know! I feel pretty lucky to have a partner like you.
[ ...as nice as this moment is, it is still memshare week, so now it's iwa's turn:
when you finally find the genji brothers, they're talking among themselves in hushed tones. you can't catch what, but you aren't here to eavesdrop, anyway. you focus instead on taking a deep breath to gather your courage, and finally step forward to approach them, a knot of anxiety wound tight in the pit of your stomach.
"Higekiri-sama, Hizamaru-sama."
as rude as you've been, they only ever meet you with kindness. higekiri greets you easily, smiling. "Good evening, Iwatooshi. It's a beautiful night, isn't it?"
when you can't meet his eyes, hizamaru opts for a different tact, asking if you needed something. a favor, you admit, and finally turn to face them with determination and dread. no more delaying.
"Please don't hurt Imanotsurugi."
hizamaru assures you that they never intended such a thing as his brother steps forward, curious.
"Why do you think we want to hurt him?" and that's the thing - you know they don't. you know they're allies, but you haven't been able to shake the concern since you first heard their names. filled with shame at feeling such an ugly thing, you turn away. "There has to be some misunderstanding. We are not out to hurt Imanotsurugi. We're all friends."
and you want to believe that, so, so badly, but it still doesn't quell your fears. you remain quiet, until higekiri prompts you again, echoing kogitsunemaru's earlier words back to you: "It's best to speak your mind."
fine, then.
"I Have no proof," you begin, voice heavy. "However, I fear my thoughts are not far from the truth. I think Imanotsurugi and I don't exist in this course of history."
"Why do you think so?" higekiri asks.
"I first had my doubts when we were dispatched to Mount Atsukashi. I noticed my former master, Musashibou Benkei, wasn't wielding me. Although, at that time, he was possessed, so I brushed it off as nothing."
"Any other reasons?"
you hesitate, just a moment, before admitting, "Higekiri-sama, Hizamaru-sama... it's your existence."
"Our existence?"
"You are the priceless treasures of the Genji, yet I have no memory of you. Hizamaru-sama, you belonged to Yoshitsune-kou, correct?" when he confirms, you continue quickly, walking away from them a few steps. moving helps you think, helps you find the right words when everything in your mind is a whirlwind of confusion. "And yet we've never met. Doesn't that irrevocably prove either of us doesn't exist?"
"What about Imanotsurugi?"
"...He probably hasn't realized it yet. He's still very childlike." that's why you're trying to protect him. he won't take it well, of that you're certain. he hardly managed on the last mission, and now this?
"Iwatooshi," higekiri says, solemn, "I don't know the truth, and frankly, I don't care about it either. But it must have been hard to carry all this by yourself."
"Such a trifling matter," you grumble, frustrated with yourself. you really shouldn't be so up in arms about it, should you? you've known this already. "My former master was strong, wasn't he? Whether I exist or not, these memories are real. Musashibou Benkei used to be my master. No one can take that memory away from me."
you face them again, weapon tucked under your arm.
"We won't, we won't," higekiri insists. "It's true Master gave us secret orders, but..."
shocked, you stare at them in disbelief, but higekiri is quick to assure you that they were only asked to look after imanotsurugi, that even master is worried about him too. so that's how it is. despite knowing what might happen, what already had happened on the last mission, master had allowed imanotsurugi to be the captain... they've had more faith in your precious friend than even you, haven't they?
"Higekiri-sama, Hizamaru-sama. I'm sorry I doubted you." you give them a deep, formal bow. and when hizamaru, ever curious, asks for stories about your master and his, you can't stop the bit of joyful tears that spring to your eyes, always delighted to have a chance to speak of him, and agree wholeheartedly.
as it fades, iwatooshi sighs heavily. this effect sucks. ]
['this course of history'... he doesn't understand all of this, but not all of the details are important, at the moment. the thing he's focused on most is-]
What do you mean, you don't think that you exist...?
[and how can he be so-- so--
the revelation of what he was nearly broke mathis entirely. he can't imagine learning he didn't exist and managing to think the way iwatooshi seems to about it.]
[ well, he would have had to tell mathis eventually. this isn't how he wanted to do it, though. ]
Higekiri-sama and Hizamaru-sama were undoubtedly there at their masters' sides, in the line of history that we visited. We know that because of their memories, and how they were affected by the things that happened on that mission. [ he looks away, clutching tightly to the staff of his naginata. ] But Imanotsurugi and I were not. We weren't there at all. Our former masters didn't even recognize our names.
If I were to guess, our names came up later, when their stories were being passed down. That would explain where our memories came from, but I don't know for sure.
[ whether or not he likes it, it's not something he can change.
and that question is a hard one, isn't it? iwatooshi falls silent for a bit, staring at the ground thoughtfully. ]
Truthfully, I don't know the answer. [ and that does still bother him a fair bit. ] Maybe someday, I will. But my master's power has sustained me for this long, so I don't expect that to stop suddenly.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 2, monday
Mathis-dono. Have you seen this? It seems that they eat worms, in this world.
[ they're sour worms but he doesn't get it? ]
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[he leans in to look, shocked, but-- oh.]
O-oh... I think these are worm-shaped candy-? What a strange choice...
[i finally got memshares written up so
before he can pick up the package, they get voided into this.]
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the second it reminds him, all too much, of the betrayal between yoshitsune and yoritomo, even yasuhira. to think you have the support and love of your brother or retainer, only for them to turn on you and become the source of your pain... it's tragic, every time it comes up in history. this is no different.
but he can't help but be more than a little angry, on mathis' behalf, but that isn't what matters. mathis and how he feels is most important, so iwatooshi reaches for him, almost on instinct, hoping to anchor him to the present instead of the memory. ]
Mathis-dono.
[ how is he looking...? ]
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[he's-- well, he could be worse. definitely shaken, after having to see a relatively fresh trauma brought back up this way, but he isn't falling apart. he's managing, taking hold of iwa's arm to steady himself.]
...I'm sorry. I know that it must be unpleasant to see.
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[ he shakes his head. ]
I don't understand why he would treat you that way. Even if you weren't born human, you deserve to be treated as kindly as anyone.
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[his voice is soft, weaker.]
I- I don't understand, either. I don't know what he's thinking, anymore. He... he's still the one who took care of me, and he-- said I was his only success, but still called me a failure...
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[ frowning! in displeasure! ]
I'm sorry that you've been put through such things.
[ and now a murdergame... ]
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[he's been making an effort to, here, though he doesn't know how well that's going.]
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Besides, the memories you've made since your creation are no one's but yours. No one can take that from you now, can they?
[ maybe his brother can if he can make a whole person out of other people's memories but let's just not think about that part! ]
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[...he's still sad about her, quiet for a moment.]
But so is Karlach, and some of the others. And so... so are you.
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We will. Both the good and the bad, we'll be here with you. I wouldn't have to be your partner for that.
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[now that he's begun growing less afraid of weighing him down, a little more resolved to pull his own weight--
it's comforting, knowing that.]
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[ ...as nice as this moment is, it is still memshare week, so now it's iwa's turn: as it fades, iwatooshi sighs heavily. this effect sucks. ]
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['this course of history'... he doesn't understand all of this, but not all of the details are important, at the moment. the thing he's focused on most is-]
What do you mean, you don't think that you exist...?
[and how can he be so-- so--
the revelation of what he was nearly broke mathis entirely. he can't imagine learning he didn't exist and managing to think the way iwatooshi seems to about it.]
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Higekiri-sama and Hizamaru-sama were undoubtedly there at their masters' sides, in the line of history that we visited. We know that because of their memories, and how they were affected by the things that happened on that mission. [ he looks away, clutching tightly to the staff of his naginata. ] But Imanotsurugi and I were not. We weren't there at all. Our former masters didn't even recognize our names.
If I were to guess, our names came up later, when their stories were being passed down. That would explain where our memories came from, but I don't know for sure.
[ iwatooshi turns back then, concerned. ]
...Are you alright, Mathis-dono?
[ he knows that it's a lot to take in. ]
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[it's his memory, after all, he shouldn't need to be worrying over how mathis feels about it.]
If... if you didn't exist then, but you're here now, you won't... stop existing, will you?
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[ whether or not he likes it, it's not something he can change.
and that question is a hard one, isn't it? iwatooshi falls silent for a bit, staring at the ground thoughtfully. ]
Truthfully, I don't know the answer. [ and that does still bother him a fair bit. ] Maybe someday, I will. But my master's power has sustained me for this long, so I don't expect that to stop suddenly.